Grysica's Guides to Catburglary IV: Team Work

 Catburglary is not always a solitary form of employment. Theer are some situations in which it can be very profitable to work together with other assertive people. After all, not every member of the criminal sisterhood has the same skills.

One of Warszawa's largest banks, for example: only two guards at night, but protected by a huge metal door as well as as computer security system. Security systems are fine, but the door? I am a catburglar, a refined lady of elegance and taste, but this would need the use of 'brute force'.

Which is where my friend marta Różek, aka Różette, comes in.

'2 silly guards to take care of and a nice big vault to blow up? Count me in!'

I'm not sure where she gets her hands on explosives, but she always seems to have them – and what she lacks in general intelligence she makes up for in expertise and enthusiasm. They say that opposites can attract, after all, and we make quite a good team...with me in charge, of course.

With the two of us, the guards were easily subdued – one with an inelegant but admittedly musical blow to the head, the other gently lowered into unconsciousness with a little whiff of my lingerie, enhanced with a little La Tigresse Eau De Chloroforme. Different methods, good reader, giving the desired result: the very essence of teamwork.

Our lesson in difference continues: disabling the security system with my years of expertise mean that Kinky Barbie can have some fun with one of her favourite Swedish-made anti-tank missiles without triggering any alarms. Her fascination with large powerful tubes is a matter for the amateur psychologists, not for a catburglar.

With the vault's contents almost liberated, it is important to finish tidily: after all, we are professionals, not messy idiots! There are standards to maintain.

'Różette? Would you like to tie up our sleepy friends? Theer are two nice red ball gags in my bag.'

Finally, it is important to be flexible. In a difficult job market, the self-employed must be ready to renegotiate their working conditions at short notice.

'Where are they...jeden czerwony knebel, dwa czerwony knebel..ha, you silly kitten, you brought an extra gag! My favourite colour too!'

'Did I? I am a silly kitten. It would be a shame not to use it, no?'

If your colleagues are unaware of this necessity, it is your duty to inform them at the best possible time. The lessons of catburglary can seem harsh, but it is all for their own good.

However, it is important when renrgotiating to make sure that your colleagues are not unsatisfied, and while they may not receive the payment they expected, they should not be left empty-handed either....or in Różette's case, empty-mouthed. It is important to compensate your colleagues for any unexpected inconvenience.

'Sorry about the money, kochanie: but I'm sure that a pleasant smell, a relaxing nap, a big tasty gag and that very convincing confession for the police are more than enough. No objections? Świetnie...'

So remember: teamwork is an essential skill in becoming a proper catburglar. When we work together, we can achieve great things, and when I am with my fellow assertive ladies, they have my full support. You could say that I am right behind them...

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Glossary

świetnie: lovely (shvee-ET-nyeh)
kochanie: 'darling', 'honey' or other word of affection (kaw-HAN-yeah)
knebel: gag
czerwony: red (cher-VON-ih)
róży: pink (ROO-zhih) (ż is like the s in leisure)